Pastels and Sand
by SparkyNZ
Summary: You can't just push everyone you ever cared about away! Who'll be there for your next tragedy?" Riku struggles to get over the mysterious incident that killed his boyfriend. SoRiku, hint of RikuZexion.


**Disclaimer**: I. DO. NOT. OWN. KINGDOM. HEARTS. Have you little green men got that already! Huh?

**Pairings**: Riku/Sora main, switching to Riku/Zexion.

**Warnings**: Excessive use of angst, low level violence, flashbacks, close suicide, icecream, wet Riku, annoying Demyx, boy/boy pairings. No likie, no readie.

**Seka would like you to note**: One of the weirdest stories I've written so far. Even I don't know how it turned out so weird. Crank up the angst playlist and buckle yourself in. See you at the bottom of the page!

_The wind is fresh and cool on his face, sending droplets of seawater into his eyes. He laughs, a merry, ringing sound, which make the high rock cliffs framing the scene reverberate back to him. He stands knee deep in the clear blue water, toes digging into the golden yellow sand, laughing again as he splashes in the cerulean water. The sun shines down,throwing sparkling reflections back and forth on the calm sea, lapping gently against the soft curve of the beach._

_He turns, running a hand through his spiky brown hair, the beginnings of another laugh clear in his blue eyes._

"_How about some ice-cream?"_

_The world turns upside down. A dark hole appears in the horizon, expanding, swallowing the perfect scene without a trace._

"Sora!"

Riku sat up in bed, gasping, and flicked his bedside light on. Oh. It was just a dream. A bad dream, but just a dream-

The pain hit him full in the stomach, over and over, again and again. He doubled over his torso in the agony of remembrance.

Sora was not coming back. There was no way Riku could rephrase that sentence to stop it from striking home any harder. _He was not coming back._

Staring around the room through dead eyes, another wave of memories hit Riku. The wallpaper. Riku remembered buying it, remembered Sora laughing as he dragged the silverette away from the navy blues and blacks, saying, "That's too dark, you don't want that!" He remembered falling in love with the lighter royal blue of the sea the moment he laid eyes on it.

The curtains fluttering in the breeze from the open window. Sora and Riku had made them, laughing as they draped themselves over the couch, stabbing themselves in the balls of their fingers with the needles. It had taken them hours and hours, but at the end of the long summer day they had hung them up at the window, looking proudly at their achievement before falling onto the bed and into a deep sleep.

The bed itself. They were twelve, and the minute they pulled up outside the shop Riku and Sora had sprinted inside to the mattresses while Riku's mother had leaned against the car, laughing quietly. They had spent all afternoon there, laughing and pushing each other off the mattresses before the store manager had politely tapped Riku's mother on the shoulder and pointed to the clock on the wall. Half a minute later there was an enraged scream from the shop and Riku had raced out, closely followed by Sora who was launching a murderous attack against the silverette as he screamed, "You should've picked the other one! You _should've _picked the _other _one!"

Riku flung the covers off abruptly, crossing to the window and leaping lightly to the sandy ground a storey below. Sora had found this as well, after a particularly violent pillow fight. He had screamed, hurled himself across the room and flung himself out the window. Riku had rushed to the window, and saw Sora standing on the sand below, poking his tongue out at him, before hurling the pillow into his surprised face and yelling, "50 points to me!"

Riku wandered aimlessly across the beach, kicking up the golden yellow sand as he passed,searching for something. The sand was more silvery in the light of the setting moon. It looked like an hour until dawn broke over the islands.

He dropped to the ground abruptly, sifting the sand through his fingers, searching. A silver flash slipped past his fingers, and he pounced, drawing a silver crown pendant from the sand. As he lifted it, the pendant itself slipped off the chain through a break in the silvery links. Riku absently picked it up and slipped it into his pocket, focused on the break. The broken link had been completely torn off from the chain. The only way to fix it would be to bend another link back and reattach it, but he'd need a pair of pliers for that.

Something caught the corner of his eye. A set of wheel tracks leading away to the south, still clear in the sand, undisturbed by the mild spring weather. Riku's eyes narrowed, and he kicked away the tracks around him, obliterating all traces of the machine.

As he stood up again, the sun was glimmering on the horizon. That was fine by him. He didn't want any more sleep, not with the threat of those dreams hanging over his head.

* * *

"Honey, it's time to go."

Riku turned his head from where he had been staring blankly at his wardrobe, focusing slowly on the figure of his mother in the doorway. "Where're we going?"

His mother hesitated. "To - to see Dr Strife, honey. C'mon, grab your shoes, we've got to go."

"You want me to see a _shrink_?" Riku stared at his mother uncomprehendingly. How could she betray him like this? He didn't have a problem!

"Yes. He was recommended by the hospital - he's very good. You only have to see him once, Riku." She sighed as he made no effort to move. "Come on, I understand. I know this is painful, but-"

"Painful!" Riku picked up his table lamp and threw it against the wall, where it shattered. A piece of glass flew to hit his cheek, where a trickle of blood began to ooze out of the cut.

"Fucking _painful._ You think this is _painful._ Everyone says, 'We understand,' but who actually does? Everyone says, 'You need to get over it,' but how many people have had to get their shit straight after something like this? Everyone says, 'We know it's painful-'" he cut off abruptly, staring back at the wall.

"Everyone says, 'We know this is painful,'" he choked out around the lump in his throat, "but no-one understands. I feel like someone's ripped my heart out of my chest. I feel like I've been moved into an old movie where all I can see is grey and white. And most of all," he stopped as he felt the telltale itching of fresh tears in his eyes, "I feel so fucking _lonely_, so don't you talk to me about painful or understanding, because no-one can."

There was silence following this outburst. Let her go away, Riku thought furiously to himself, let her go away so I can bang my head against the wall until the pain goes away-

"Honey-"

No such luck.

"Honey, I know I can never understand properly," her lips were trembling, Riku noticed, "but I'm _trying_. I'm trying as hard as I can to understand, to give you your time. Could you - do you think you could respect that?"

Riku stared up at her, his mood changing abruptly to sad, the salty tears streaming down his cheeks stinging the raw streaks where a tear too many had passed recently. "Okay, mom, I'll try. I really will."

* * *

The clock ticked, loud in the quiet room.

Riku sat against the wall on one side, head leaning against the smooth plaster. Dr Strife sat on the other, clipboard in hand, letting the silence drag on.

He sighed, and ran a hand through his spiky blonde hair, messing the natural spikes around.

"Riku, is there anything you'd like to talk about? Anything at all?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yup."

Dr Strife leaned back against his chair. Riku resisted an urge to look at the clock. No, that would be showing weakness. Better to be unresponsive, show a strong exterior.

"Let's start at the beginning. Something happened to Sora-"

Riku snapped. "Don't say that name."

"All right, Riku, I won't." Dr Strife paused. "Nothing you want to talk about? At all?"

"Nope."

The doctor sighed again, more quietly. "All right then, Riku. You may leave if you want to."

Riku resisted the urge to heave a sigh of relief, and settled for standing up and walking up marginally more quickly than he had planned.

* * *

Roxas stayed seated in his chair for a while after Riku had gone. What a remarkable teenager, he thought, so disciplined. Roxas could see straight through the strong, unresponsive exterior Riku displayed, through to the deeply hurt, badly damaged interior. And the fact that he was so disciplined, to the point when he heard Sora's name he didn't break down in front of Roxas. He had never seen that before in a patient.

"Miss Gainsborough? Would you come here for a moment, please?"

Roxas's secretary peered around his examination room door curiously. Roxas never interrupted her work unless he had something important for her to do.

"Yes, doctor?"

"Would you call that young man's mother and arrange a followup appointment please? I feel it would help immensely with solving his problems if he came back to see me."

She nodded, and Roxas saw her reach for a sticky note and write on it, before retreating back to her desk and attaching the note to her computer screen.

Roxas sat for a moment. The next patient was waiting for him, but they could wait another five minutes. Roxas had to plan his next move.

* * *

Riku stared at the wall again. It was an interesting wall, full of cracks and dips in the plaster. It was made all the more interesting by the fact that Demyx was yammering in his ear.

"and everyone in your class wants to know when you'll be back. Your maths teacher gave you all that homework to get on with," he gestured briefly to the small pile of textbooks and worksheets he had dumped on the bed as he walked in, before continuing his breathless narrative, "not that you'll need it, you always being so good at everything, and your English teacher sends her" he paused for a moment, as if marshalling a thought from very far away, "con-dol-en-ces? Is that right? Anyway," he tumbled on, "she says she needs you back so she can read out yours as examples in class, and she sent you a copy of the book you're doing in class, _The Boy In Striped Pyjamas,_ you need to read it and write something, there's a sheet in there somewhere, and there's this new boy in my class, he's called Zexion, and I really want you to meet him, and-" he stopped abruptly, staring at Riku.

"You're not listening, Riku!"

"No, I'm not."

Demyx looked a bit taken aback. "Why not?"

"Because I'm thinking about something else."

The mohulleted boy looked like this was a thought that hadn't occurred to him before. Riku made allowances for the fact that he was only fifteen, and just a bit air-headed at times.

"But - Riku? Riku! Where are you going?"

But Riku had gone, out the window, onto the soft sandy grass. It was raining today, the first time in a month, and the fat drops clung to Riku's hair, eyelashes, and his clothes, soaking him slowly. Ignoring Demyx's panicked shouts from the window, he made his way through the dunes to the beach.

He batted away the tendrils of spinifex that threatened to trap him in their ensnaring embrace. The sand was cool and damp as he sat abruptly, burying his face in his hands.

It - _hurt_ - to remember. But he had to. How else was he going to move on?

* * *

_The wind was fresh and cool on his face, sending droplets of seawater into his eyes. He laughed, a merry, ringing sound, which made the high rock cliffs framing the scene reverberate back to him. He stood knee deep in the clear blue water, toes digging into the golden yellow sand, laughing again as he splashed in the cerulean water. The sun shone down, throwing sparkling reflections back and forth on the calm sea, lapping gently against the soft curve of the beach._

_He turned, running a hand through his spiky brown hair, the beginnings of another laugh clear in his blue eyes._

"_How about some ice-cream?"_

_Riku laughed from where he was lounging on a beach towel, book in hand, stirring up the fine golden sand with his toes._

"_Why not? You got some money?"_

_Sora stared at his feet, shifting uncomfortably as he muttered something Riku couldn't hear._

_Riku laughed again. "My treat."_

_The brown-haired boy perked up immediately, skipping out of the water to plant a kiss on Riku's nose. "Yay!"_

"_Let me guess," Riku murmured into his ear, smiling slightly, "you're going to be boring and choose sea-salt again?"_

_Sora frowned playfully. "Oh, don't say you're going to get raspberry _again_?"_

* * *

"Riku? Riku, where are you?"

Riku jumped out of his reverie. Dusk had fallen over the island, and he was soaked to the skin, even in the small sand cave he had found in the side of the beach. He slowly stretched first one leg, then the other, with a groan as his leg muscles protested at this harsh treatment.

"Oh, there you are," Demyx panted, as his wet dirty-blonde hair came into view below the edge of the little cave. "I've been looking for you for _ever_! I was so worried! Why did you run off like that?"

"Demyx, go away," Riku snarled, turning to face the sand wall.

"But I just-"

"Fuck OFF, Demyx! I don't want to talk!" the silverette yelled, startling the mohulleted boy.

"Riku..." Demyx ventured softly, after a pause.

Riku reined his temper in, fighting to keep control. "I'm sorry, just... Could you tell mom I won't be home for dinner?"

Demyx bit his lip and nodded slightly, before disappearing from view.

Riku settled back into the sand, the tiny grains sticking to his sodden skin and clothes, entwining themselves in platinum-coloured hair.

The memories returned, slicing deep into his soul with blunt blades, sending waves of agony flooding through his soul.

He _had _to remember, for Sora's sake. It's what he would have wanted, Riku mused silently.

The perfect scene sprang up in front of his eyes again, a sharp contrast to the dark drenched beach in front of him.

* * *

"_No duh!" Riku laughed. "Let's just agree to be boring, shall we?"_

_Sora nodded happily. "Where's the ice-cream truck?"_

_Riku checked his watch. "Damn. Down the other end of the beach. Can we-"_

"_Yes, we can go to the art shop on the way!" Sora giggled. "Admit it. I know you too well."_

_Riku stared at his feet, giggling slightly as well. "Yep, you know me far too well. I'll buy you a lollipop while we wait, huh?"_

_There was a cool wind beginning to blow down the beach, lessening the burning tropical heat of the island midmorning to a more bearable temperature. The sand was stirring gently, fluttering down to sink beneath the cerulean blue waves, sticking to wet hair. Riku and Sora ran up the beach, Sora reaching the top of the dune before Riku, crowing his victory to the world, while Riku smiled and laughed and tried to catch his breath, collapsed on the sand, before grabbing Sora by the wrist and racing off to his second home, Arthur's Art Emporium._

_The bell tinkled as Riku and Sora edged quietly into the dim shop, a vast contrast between the light and noise of the sea front outside, the air laced with smells of paint, pastels and new paper. An artist's paradise._

_The shopkeeper looked up, and brightened when he saw who it was._

"_Hello, Riku! And your friend, Sora. Well. I thought you'd be outside in the sun! Did it get too hot for you?"_

_Riku smiled, shook his head. "We're waiting for the ice-cream truck."_

_With another smile, Riku moved to the thin-line pens and sketching materials, aisle four, while Sora's attention was diverted by some sparkly decoration for scrap booking._

"_Riku, look at-"_

* * *

"Riku? Riku! Where are you?"

The silverette groaned, shifting slightly in the sand. The small hollow he was sitting in was completely sodden, moulded to his shape and nearly impossible to get out of.

"Riku! Come here at once and stop scaring me! This is not funny!"

He tried to answer, but his voice refused to work. He at last managed to elicit a small croak. Encouraged, he persevered, eventually managing to silence his mother's panicked cries with a few forced words.

"Here... mom. I'm... here..."

She bent down in front of his hollow, following his voice, breathing a sigh of relief when she spotted him.

"Riku, where have you been? Demyx said you wouldn't be home for dinner, but it's nearly midnight!"

The silverette blinked several times, willing his body to move. "I... lost track. I was thinking."

His mother smiled slightly, and reached out a hand to help him up from the sand. "Good lord, Riku, you're covered in sand! What have you been doing, rolling in it?" She began to brush the sand off him, the task being made more difficult as it started to rain again.

Riku looked back at his little sand hollow, staring at something much further away. "Something like that."

* * *

_He was walking up the path to his house. He was nervous for some reason that he couldn't quite remember._

_He paused on the doorstep, a flash of knowledge lightening his head, but not his spirits. He leant against the door frame for a moment, dizzy with the anxiety of what he was about to do. Before his mom could start worrying about his vanished footsteps, he entered the house, dropping his exam practice papers in his doorway._

"_Hey, mom, I'm home."_

_She turned from where she was standing at the kitchen sink, up to the elbows in hot water and dishwashing liquid bubbles. "Hi, honey. How was your day?"_

"_Oh," he began, "it was okay. I got some more papers for maths, the librarian gave me another review book, and I found out I'm gay."_

_He waited for the plate to hit the floor and shatter. Instead, he heard her continue washing the dishes, before saying mildly, "That's nice, Riku. Who's the boy?"_

_Confused, Riku stuttered, "H-his name's Sora. He's in my Drama class."_

"_Oh." She put the plate in the draining rack. "Could you come dry for me please?"_

_He stood up, snatching a dishcloth and picking up the plate, wiping the suds meticulously off the top and the bottom before placing it on the stack in the cupboard._

_She continued, "Well, he's obviously a drama kid. What else does he do?"_

"_Uh... he's a swimmer, and he plays heaps of sports, and he's good at English, and okay at History but bad at Maths and Science."_

"_Well, you can help him there. You'll have to bring him around for dinner some time."_

_Riku gaped at his mother. "But... Don't you care that you won't have grandchildren? Aren't you going to get mad because I'm gay?"_

_She laughed slightly, before turning to face him, serious now. "Riku, we're shot of your father. As far as I'm concerned, you're sixteen, you're nearly an adult, and you can do whoever the hell you like, be it girl, boy or it. As for me caring you're gay," she smiled slightly, "my best friend turned out to be gay. I'm not the most homophobic of parents. All I want you to promise me, though," very serious now, "is that if he hurts you, you don't put up with it. You tell me, or someone you trust."_

_Riku nodded. "He won't hurt me though," he contradicted firmly. "He's not like that."_

_His mom smiled at him. "I trust your judgement, Riku."_

"_Riku?"_

* * *

He turned, frowning. "I'm right here, mom... oh..."

Dr Strife nodded slightly. "Just daydreaming, huh, Riku?"

The silverette nodded slightly, sliding back down the wall to his place on the floor.

"So, how was your day, Riku?"

Riku shrugged noncommittally. "Fine, I guess."

The doctor smiled at him. "Could you tell me about it?"

The teen stared at him slightly, surprised in his abrupt change in character from his fist session. "Well, I was at the beach until midnight until last night, when I got home and got rid of all the sand in my clothes, and then I slept until..." he thought for a moment - the memory was hard to bring to light on top of a daydream - "dawn? Probably. Anyway," he continued, "after that I read for a bit, went back to the beach, and then came here." He shrugged again.

"Why do you go down to the beach so much?"

Riku frowned, confused. "Why do you need to know?"

"Because I'm interested."

"You're interested in why I go down to the beach? That's really quite sad."

The doctor shrugged, smiling slightly. "It's my job to be interested." He leant forward. "Please, Riku, don't make my job any harder than it already is. I'm trying to help you, and you keep blocking me out."

"Well, Doc, I'm here of my own free will, right?"

Dr Strife sat back and sighed slightly. "Yes, Riku. You are."

"Then, of my own free will, bye!" Riku left the room, and even shut the door behind him. Not the most mature of endings, but it would have to do. He made it to the beach before he started to cry again.

* * *

Roxas leaned back in his chair after Riku had gone. "The beach. Huh."

* * *

"I'm really worried about Riku."

Zexion looked up briefly from his computer. "Oh, this is the Riku you want me to meet, is it? What's wrong?"

"Well," Demyx chewed his lip thoughtfully, wondering how much to tell the silverette. After a moment, he stretched, swinging his legs over the edge of the lounge chair he was sitting in. "His boyfriend died three weeks ago."

Zexion swung around in the office chair, Demyx's statement having caught his attention. "What! That's awful!"

"Yeah, I know," Demyx replied, staring into the middle distance, "and he's been going a bit funny."

"Understandably."

"No, not understandably. He's acting like - I dunno - it's his fault? Maybe that's it. But he's always at the beach, and I caught him staring at the picture of all of us that Sora drew for him. He was staring at it for, uh, about half an hour?"

"That's odd. What did he do when you brought him back to earth?"

"Nothing, really. He snapped at me for a bit, then broke off in mid-sentence and started staring out the window at the beach. There's something up with him."

"Maybe you should introduce me to Riku. He sounds like an interesting person."

Demyx frowned, chewing his lip again. "I dunno about that, Zex. He doesn't like much new stuff at the moment."

"You could try."

"I guess."

* * *

"Hey... Uh, Riku?"

Demyx poked his head around the door of Riku's bedroom, smiling a bit sheepishly.

"What's up, Demyx?"

The mohulleted boy edged around the door, biting his lip. He seemed to have a marked fascination with his shoes, Riku noticed irritably.

"_Yes_, Demyx?" he repeated, with awful patience.

"Oh! I... uh... yeah. Um, I brought my friend over, and I was wondering if you wanted to meet him. I mean," he said hastily, "you don't have to, I just thought you'd like him, is all. He's not like me at all, he's much quieter, and he's really serious, almost emo..."

Riku nodded slightly. "Yeah, I guess. Bring him up, then."

Demyx gave a timid smile, and retreated, closing the door softly behind him.

A minute later, it opened again, and the blond ushered in a petite boy with a mass of silver-blue hair falling over his face, hiding one of his eyes. Demyx gave another timid smile, and gestured at the boy, feeling a bit awkward. "Uh... Riku, this is Zexion. Zexion, Riku."

Riku nodded slightly, and the boy gave a brief "hey" in reply. They all hovered for a moment, Zexion's eyes taking on a cool, calculating aspect, and turned to Demyx.

"Would you mind giving us a moment, Demyx? I would like to talk to Riku, get to know him."

"Oh! All right." The blond escaped from the room, and Zexion remained standing by the door, watching the silverette with those cool eyes.

"So..." Riku began, trying to start a conversation. The blue-haired boy seemed to jump, and come back to himself.

"Oh, I do apologise. You must consider me terribly rude for staring at you like that. It was most unforgivable." Zexion's voice was soft and cultured, a pleasant voice to listen to.

"It's okay," Riku replied, slightly confused. "Would you like to sit down?"

Zexion nodded slightly in response, and sat on the end of the bed, still looking at Riku with those calculating eyes.

"He told you, didn't he." It wasn't quite a question, and Zexion nodded again, a small frown appearing between his brows.

"Are you going to say anything?" Riku challenged him, a note of hysteria entering his voice. "Are you going to tell me it's going to be all right, it goes away in time, that you _understand_?" He spat the last word, but Zexion didn't flinch. His eyes didn't break contact with Riku's own aquamarine ones, and the silverette felt like he was being assessed. It wasn't a pleasant feeling.

"Go on then," he ground out, staring the blue-haired boy down. "Feel some pity for me. Start telling me that you _understand_. Because nothing else can hurt me now. Not even some blue-haired freak my friend brought home. Will you just say _something_ already!" he yelled suddenly.

He turned away, slightly embarrassed, and felt the tell-tale prick in his eyes. Grinding the balls of his hands into his eyes, he felt the bed lift as Zexion stood up again.

"My mother died when I was twelve years old. It was the biggest, most tragic thing that had happened in my whole life. I had thought that I'd had a pretty hard life up until then." The words dropped into the stillness like pebbles into a lake, each word stirring the surface up more and more until Riku wasn't sure if this was truth or lie, a dream or real life.

"Hard," the blue-haired boy scoffed at himself, his pleasant voice taking on the lilt of a practised storyteller. "As if you can fully comprehend the meaning of the phrase _a hard life_ until you've had someone you love die. Until you've seen all hope flow away, like water over a waterfall, only to fall with a crash at the bottom. You sink until you feel you can never see the light again, until all that you can remember is darkness, and sadness, and pain.

"And if it couldn't get any worse, my father killed himself three months later. He couldn't handle the pain of losing her. And I was old enough to know what he had done, that it wasn't an accident. That he had done exactly what he had meant to do, and that there was no mistake." His voice grew quieter and quieter as he went on. "He took a knife to his wrists. Right in front of me. I can still remember it even now. How the blood seemed to pour and pour, like a never-ending stream of torment. And in that moment, I knew I would never be happy again, while in the same moment I knew that the world was not worth my happiness. But I was prepared to handle the pain, to fight on, even with the knowledge that there was no light, no brightness, no happiness, no peace."

Strangely, the words didn't hurt. Riku just felt the impact against his numb thoughts, already wracked by enough pain to send even the most sophisticated brain right over the edge. Riku was already there.

"But then I found the most miraculous thing." Zexion's mouth drew up in a sad smile, a mixture of mirth and of complete and utter loneliness. "I found love."

_Now _Riku was interested. He turned to face the blue-haired boy fully, completely entranced in the narrative.

"Her name was Celeste, and she was a year younger than me. It was a short fling, nothing more, but it taught me that there was something else in the world that was worth living for, and _nothing_," he stressed the word, "_nothing_ at all worth dying for. It's a tiny little thing that can trigger such a reverse of all morals, all beliefs, but it is worth it. It really is. A miraculous and instantaneous lightening, where there was only grey there are now colours. She was nothing very special, but she taught me that there is some good in the world. Most of all," his voice was now so quiet Riku really had to strain to hear it, "she taught me to laugh at the world. To find it hilariously funny. Without laughter, I would have died." He smiled. "I'm still in contact with her. We're the best friends you can get, really. I just wish she would have moved with me. But her father was a domineering idiot," he sighed and rolled his eyes, "and she has to rebel in the stupidest way possible and get herself a communications blackout. No phone, no e-mail, no Internet, no cellphone. And I don't know her address. Oh well."

"What did she do?" Riku asked, curious in spite of himself.

"She jumped out of her window one night, went to a party in town, managed to trick this guy into thinking she was seventeen, and got herself pregnant," Zexion sighed again, a trace of amusement in his eyes. "She really was an idiot, and now her father's freaked out, because she's only fifteen, and he doesn't know what to do."

There was silence for a while, but it was a comfortable silence, not the uneasy silence of before.

Riku broke it first.

"Zexion? I'm sorry I yelled at you. I guess you do understand, after all."

Zexion smiled, nodding slightly. "I guess I do. And I hope I've helped, even if only to give you someone to talk to. I know I never had anyone to talk to." His eyes darkened for the briefest of instants, but a moment later the flash was gone. He glanced at his watch, and jumped.

"I have to go, Riku. I've got a pile of homework as big as your head, and if I don't get it done my teacher will have my head."

"Zexion-"

The blue-haired boy paused at the door.

"W-would you come back tomorrow? And talk to me some more?"

Riku stared at his blankets, feeling more like a kid than ever before. He heard a light chuckle, and Zexion replied, "Of course I will. I'll see you tomorrow, then?"

"Yep. Thanks."

"Any time." The door swung, and Zexion was gone.

* * *

"How are you feeling today, Riku?"

Riku yawned before replying. "Tired, I guess. Hungry. I'm a bit better, though."

Dr Strife raised his eyebrows slightly. "Oh? And why would that be?"

"My friend Demyx brought his friend Zexion home last night, and we talked for a while. He... He's been through a lot."

* * *

"_Riku, it's so pretty!"_

_The silverette laughed, watching Sora toy with several different decorations. Several different colours streamed through his fingers, but the main colours had some sort of sparkle to them, be it gold, silver or green._

_He fingered a few more pens, before finally deciding on one, a thick gold calligraphy pen that he could use for his new art project, his mother's 40th birthday present. He checked his wallet, disappointed that he only had 500 munny - minus the cost of the upcoming ice-creams - hadn't he been saving up for some more art materials recently?_

_The gold was 300 munny. Surely there was another thing he could get that wasn't that expensive._

_Sora bounded up, showing off his newest treasure. It seemed to be this monstrosity of a mirror, set into a frame of broken pieces of mirrors, with glitter dusting the edges. Several clumps of feathers hung off the sides, and a bundle of ribbons dangled towards the ornately carved base._

"_Honestly, Sora!"_

_The brunette stuck his tongue out. "Just kidding."_

_He bounded away again, and Riku turned to the sketchbooks. He really needed a new one, now he came to think of it. He glanced over the racks, settling on his customary one - A5, with a black leather cover and several hints of darker reds and purples dusting the edges. Still within his price range - good._

_He eyed a new set of pastels on the counter longingly, wincing inwardly at the price. If his mother cut off his pocket money, like she was threatening to do after the walks he had been taking in the middle of the night without explanation, he wouldn't be able to afford them for a long time. Well, he couldn't really help it, could he? He didn't really want to meet Sora in his _own_ house... That would be a bit awkward._

_As the shopkeeper ran up his purchases, he asked Riku casually, "It was your birthday the other day, wasn't it?"_

_Riku looked up, surprised. "Uh... yeah. I turned sixteen."_

_The shopkeeper nodded, and smiled. "Nearly an adult, huh? Well, you're going to need some adult drawing materials." With that, he pulled a large set of the most beautiful pastels from behind the counter, and Riku gasped. There was even more of a choice than the pastels on the counter. His smile faded. "I'm sorry, I'll never be able to afford them. My allowance is too small."_

_The shopkeeper shook his head slightly, still smiling. "No, Riku, this is your birthday present. You're such a good customer, I thought you'd like them. They're such nice pastels, the best we've got in a long time."_

_Riku stared, slightly bug-eyed. "You - you really mean that?" When the shopkeeper nodded, he drew in a deep breath and took the box. "Thank you so much. I - I don't really know what to say."_

"_Aw, shucks. I've got three kids at home, and my eldest's just a year younger than you. They're all fiercely into art, and I know how expensive it can be, especially for a school kid. It's your birthday present!" He wrapped the sketchbook and the pen up in a bag and gave them to the silverette, who was still looking a bit blitzed._

"_Riku?"_

* * *

He whirled to face Sora, and saw Demyx peeking around the door of his room again. Wow, was it really after school already?

"Zexion's back. He said you wanted to talk with him again. I'll do my homework in the next room, okay?" He gave a smile, and his head disappeared, to be replaced with Zexion. The blue-haired boy came into the room and collapsed into Riku's armchair.

"Wow, school was boring today. All we did was some silly thermodynamics in Chem, and revision in everything else. I hate exams." He stifled a yawn. "How was your day?"

Riku blinked at the unexpected question. "All right again. I had to go see my psychiatrist today, but he's not really helpful-"

"Wow, you're lucky."

The tone of Zexion's voice cut through Riku's thoughts. It sounded vaguely - _jealous_? Weird.

"I never got a psychiatrist. My aunt and uncle couldn't afford it, and even if they could have, they wouldn't have. They never cared about me all that much, because they already had three children. They just left me to my own devices." He smiled sadly. "Don't write him off, Riku. It helps to talk." His dark eyes raised to catch Riku's again, and the silverette felt the calculating person within.

"How did your mother die?"

That flash was back, darkening the blue-haired boy's eyes just a tinge, before they came back to their normal colour and Zexion regained his composure.

"It was a rainy night, and a car rushed past her while she was walking on a bridge. She lost her footing, and fell nearly thirty metres into the water. She was found a kilometre downstream, nearly four hours later. There was no chance." His voice was quiet, dangerously so, and Riku was afraid the younger boy was going to hit him until he caught the dark eyes again, full of nothing but sadness.

"Riku, you have to talk about it. It will kill you if you keep this bottled up any further than you have to." The sadness was replaced by a strange, pleading look. "I'm speaking from experience here. I nearly did kill myself before my cousin hit me up for being such an idiot." He rolled his sleeve up, showing Riku a fine scar, only a millimetre thick, extending the whole way up his wrist into his forearm, following the blue line of a vein. "It took the ambulance about forty-five seconds to get to our house, they were so quick. I nearly died. As it was, I was in hospital for weeks afterwards as my body tried to generate enough blood to replace what was lost. I had to have four transfusions. I lost two and a half litres of blood." His eyes darkened again, and he stared into the distance, remembering a scene only he could see. "My cousin was twelve, I was fourteen. When I got home, he didn't speak to me for a week.

"I came out of my room one day and he punched me straight in the face. He was crying, saying I was making everyone sick with worry and I should talk. He gave me a handful of good bruises before his older brother and sister came and split us up. It was then that I began to talk to Celeste. I still feel those bruises sometimes." He glanced shrewdly at Riku. "Please tell me I won't have to smack you around the head. I've got a lot better at hand to hand combat since then."

"I'll try not to," Riku whispered.

* * *

_Riku opened the door to the shop, the bell tinkling in the draft from the shop. Sora clutched his newest treasure, something he had forbidden Riku to look at. The silverette tucked his new pastels inside the bag, and they wandered back down to the beach, bare feet warm on the asphalt that had gathered heat throughout the day._

_The brunette twisted Riku's arm so he could see the watch, making Riku yelp in pain. "Sora, do you mind? That hurt!" He dropped the parcel and shook his arm out._

_Sora pouted "I just wanted to see the time."_

"_It's half one. The truck should be here soonish." He glanced at Sora. "Oh, stop pouting, silly," he laughed. "You know I can't resist that!"_

* * *

"Good morning, Riku."

The silverette settled into his familiar position against the wall of Dr Strife's office.

"Morning. Can we just skip past the bits where you ask me how my day was, and I pretend to care? I'm too tired today."

Dr Strife nodded slightly, making an _as you wish_ gesture with his hand. Riku's eyes closed, and Roxas studied the boy. Dark circles lined his eyes, and tension lined his mouth and nose.

"You're not sleeping, are you, Riku?"

The boy's eyes flew open, a vaguely accusing look in his eyes; but it faded, and Riku slumped against the wall, the defiance flowing out of the lines of his body. "No. Zexion's given me a lot to think about."

"I've heard you talk a lot about Zexion. Who is he? What's he like?"

Riku blinked, obviously trying to marshal his thoughts. "He's been through a lot."

"You said that last time."

"Did I? Oh." Riku paused. "Well, he talks a lot. About his mother and father. And about life, and sadness and stuff. He gives me a lot to think about," he repeated.

"Is he helping at all?"

"Yes," the silverette replied instantly, and then seemed vaguely surprised at what he had said. "Yeah, he is. You know," he continued, changing tack, "It doesn't hurt to remember now. Not as much, anyway. It feels like he needs me to remember."

Roxas's eyes widened slightly as he registered the change in _he_'s. "Are you comfortable talking about this, Riku? We don't have to if you don't want to."

The boy frowned. "Maybe next week. But I'll talk about something else, if you want."

* * *

An siren split the air, and Zexion's head jerked up in surprise. An ambulance? And close? Who would have -

He hit the ground running.

* * *

Demyx rushed up to Zexion as soon as he saw the blue-haired boy approaching at a dead run.

"Who is it?" Zexion urged the smaller boy. Demyx only rolled his eyes and babbled hysterically. "Is it Riku?" At a nod from Demyx, Zexion fisted his hands in his hair, and ran towards the house, now surrounded by paramedics. An ambulance was pulled up outside, and Zexion could hear another one screaming along the street, to stop with a squeal beside the first. Three uniformed nurses, two male, one female, jumped out, and began unloading equipment quickly but not hastily. The two men ran inside, the woman stood and watched the scene in front of her, and spoke into a hand-held radio microphone

Zexion edged nearer the house, hoping to catch a glance of long silver hair, and hoping against hope that there would be no red, the bright, blood red of the arteries and not the brown of smaller cuts-

A hand caught his arm, and the dark-haired woman nurse spun him around, gently pulling him away from the scene in front of them. She blocked the way through to Riku.

"Please, sir, could you step away? The medical team needs a lot of room."

Zexion took a deep, calming breath. "Certainly. Could you tell me what is happening, then? One of my friends is inside, and I suspect this may be all about him."

The nurse seemed startled at his calm demeanour, expecting protests, struggles, even physical violence. Zexion hand felt the corded muscles in her arm and her easy strength as she pulled him away, and suspected it would not be bright to try and force his way through. His voice also startled people, as he looked so young and his voice was the cultured one of an adult.

"Emergency services got a call two minutes ago from a member of the house, saying that someone inside had slashed his wrist. A minute later we were called in with extra equipment, including a defibrillator, and several litres of blood. That's all I can tell you, I'm sorry." Her eyes resumed their guarded anxiety as she turned away from Zexion.

_Slashed his wrist_... Zexion pulled up his right sleeve and traced the white scar there, shivering slightly at all the pain and sorrow it brought back for him. He tapped the nurse on the shoulder.

"Yes?"

"Is it possible I could come back to the hospital with one the ambulances? It needn't be the one with Riku in it, I just have no way of getting to the hospital and I think he would like me to be near when he wakes up." His mind refused to entertain the possibility of the other choice.

The nurse blinked, and turned fully to face him. "How old are you, son?"

"I'm sixteen."

"And what relation are you to - was it Riku, you said?"

Zexion nodded. "I'm one of his friends. I met him a couple of days ago, and I was trying to help him through a rough period. He's been seeing a psychiatrist for it, but he needed someone else to talk to. You know how the professionals can get," he smiled slightly, shakily.

The nurse nodded slightly, and smiled. "Yeah, they do begin to treat each case like a murder mystery. My name's Xion. I'll arrange for one of the ambulances to take you to the hospital. Could you stick around for a bit? I'd like to ask you a few questions."

The blue-haired boy paused. "Will there be a phone I can use at the hospital to notify my mother? She'll get worried, otherwise."

"Yes, we can make arrangements. Would you tell me a little bit about Riku? Was he on medication? Do you know the name of his psychiatrist? Could you tell me what he was seeing the psychiatrist for?"

"No medication, you'll have to ask his mom who his psychiatrist is, but I can help you with the last one. His boyfriend died three weeks ago, and he can't get over it."

"And why did he want you to help him?"

"Because my mother died, and my father killed himself," was the blunt reply to that. As the nurse opened her mouth to apologise, he continued, "Don't worry. Long story. I get sad, but it doesn't dominate my life like it used to. And you couldn't have known. But the problem is, I was talking to him just yesterday, telling him he needed to talk to someone. I told him what I did." He wordlessly rolled up his sleeve; the nurse caught the white scar, and her lips tightened.

Zexion nodded. "I'm not proud of it. I just need to be there to beat him up afterwards." Xion looked curious, and he continued, "Another long story. And I don't know if it'll be mentally or physically. Hopefully I can get away with mentally."

Just then a stretcher arrived beside the ambulance, and Zexion's heart caught as he glimpsed silver hair and red blood. Just before the doors slammed shut, Xion's hand reached downwards, and slung him up into the ambulance with easy grace. She motioned for him to stay sitting at the front of the small room and stay quiet and out of the way. The blue-haired boy sat, finally letting the fear and the worry enter his heart, all of his will going out to the older boy on the blood-soaked stretcher as the medical team worked over him. If he willed hard enough, Zexion reasoned, his friend would live.

* * *

It was painless here, in the black void. There was no nagging feeling that all of this was a dream, there were no people he would glance at and rip an already tender wound raw again, no memories to intrude on his peacefulness.

He hadn't meant to do it, he mused quietly. It had just sort of - _happened_. The feeling that everything would be all right, that the pain would go away. That he would see Sora again.

_That he would see Sora again._

What point was there here when all he had ever wanted, all he had ever loved was gone? Vanished in a single spray of flying yellow grains. It would have been pretty, he reminisced, if it had not been _Sora_.

But-

What about all he had left behind? That thought struck him like a knife blade, burying itself to the hilt. His mother, Demyx, all his friends at school, Sora's best friend Axel - what was he going through right now?

How could he have failed them?

How could he have failed Zexion?

* * *

Blood.

It seemed to flow in a never-ending stream, staining the sheets a bright, almost fluorescent red.

"Get some more blood here _now!"_

"We don't have any more A. No more O, either. We're completely out!"

"Xion..."

The nurse turned to face Zexion, who was rolling his sleeve up. "I'm O negative. Universal donor. Not ideal, but it'll work."

Xion's eyes blazed with an emotion unreadable. "Are you sure, son? We don't have time for all the risks-"

"I'm sixteen. I can decide my own medical treatment. Do it."

Xion whirled, and slapped one of the bystanders in the ambulance on the back. "Larxene! O negative coming right up! Give me a hand."

The blonde called Larxene scrabbled through a drawer, coming up with an antiseptic pad and a syringe. "Progress?" she called to the team, handing the items to Xion, who gestured Zexion to the opposite bed in the confined space.

"Sorry, no time for painkillers," she muttered, quickly rubbing the antiseptic over the inside of Zexion's elbow and sliding the needle in. He bit his lip - he _hated_ needles - and concentrated on Larxene and another person conferring about Riku.

"We need to get him to the ER as fast as possible," the doctor muttered, and turned to Xion. "How much can you get?"

Xion turned to Zexion, who said simply, "As much as you need. He's my friend."

The raven-haired nurse nodded, and switched the chamber of the syringe out with an empty one, handing the full one to Larxene. "We can take three of these, four at the most," she murmured. "Are you willing to risk the possibility of anaemia and give four?"

Zexion nodded, biting his lip again, and focused on naming as much of the Periodic Table as he could. He was at number fourteen when they switched tubes, at fifty on the third tube, and was stuck somewhere around seventy-three on the fourth.

The frantic energy beside Riku had calmed somewhat, and one of the medical team stepped away from the stretcher, giving Zexion a tired smile. "We're not out of the woods yet, but he'll be okay for now. Thanks, kid, you gave us all the break that we needed."

Zexion smiled weakly, and Xion extracted the needle and the fourth tube together. The doctor beside him pulled out a water bottle, and said, "Drink it all, kid. You'll be a bit weak for a couple of days, but you'll be fine. You're a really brave kid, you know that?"

The blue haired teen didn't get a chance to answer. He curled up on the stretcher and was asleep after only one mouthful.

* * *

Zexion woke up several hours later in the ER. He was connected up to a monitor, which was monitoring his heart - with an annoyingly fast beep - and his lungs.

When he struggled to sit up, he caught the hint of movement, and Demyx came to sit beside him, helping him to sit up straight and to pull pillows to support him.

"They won't let me see him, Zexy," he sniffed, tears rolling down his cheeks. "They keep telling me to come back in an hour, and I do, and they tell me to come back in an hour. But I need to see him to make sure he isn't-" he stopped, and burst into tears. Zexion gave him an awkward hug from where he was sitting.

"Give me a moment, and we'll go and find him." Zexion breathed deeply a couple of times, and stood, disconnecting the heart-lung monitor with a snap. It beeped for a bit, but eventually gave up with a little sad shutting-down noise when it saw he was not coming back.

His mouth felt awfully dry, and he clutched the paper cup with a grateful hand as Larxene the nurse offered it. He murmured his thanks, and downed it, before standing up and catching his balance.

"Whoa, whoa!" the blonde nurse protested. "Just cool it a moment there, little buddy! I want you to sit down, reconnect that monitor, and fill out this sheet so we know who the heck you are. I'll get you another cup." She bustled away, all promptness and professionalism.

Zexion stared at the sheet, and began to fill it out. Basic details - name, date of birth, contact details, next of kin. All of the blood types and diseases section had been filled in - he took a quick glance down the list, added that he wore contact lenses, listed his prescription, and continued.

By the time he was finished, the monitor was reading a more normal heartbeat, rather than the excited, sped-up version he had seen when he woke up. Larxene arrived with another cup of water, and took the sheet off him, clipping it to a clipboard and hanging it over the edge of the bed. She took a hard glance at Zexion, added, "Mobile - allowed to visit other patients," and helped him to stand up.

"I shouldn't be doing this," she muttered into his ear, "but I'll take you to see your friend. If you want to come too," she gestured at Demyx, who quickly stood up and moved to take Zexion's other arm, "we'll go there now. Prepare to feel a bit dizzy," she warned as Zexion's world spun, but the helpers on either side of him caught his arms before he fell.

They trekked along miles of gleaming white and silver corridors, Larxene smiling and nodding to all the staff she saw. Finally they approached a door labelled as the Intensive Care Unit, and Zexion craned over the writing to catch a glance of Riku.

The door slid open, and there he was, pale, with his left forearm spread out on the covers, neatly bandaged and taped. Larxene moved to find Zexion a chair, and the blue-haired boy collapsed into it, like he had done... only yesterday at Riku's house. It seemed like such a long time ago.

Riku stirred, and his other hand emerged, to tear weakly at the bandage on his arm. His mouth opened and shut, and Zexion thought he heard the sounds of a massive internal argument, but Riku's voice was too quiet to hear properly.

Zexion's hand flew to trap Riku's and gently pull it away from the bandage, smoothing the silver hair away from his face. He tossed his own overlong fringe out of his eyes, and rested his chin on Riku's leg, looking up into his face.

"Why would you do such a thing, Riku?" he whispered. "Why?"

"Because there was no hope," a raspy voice answered, and Riku's eyes fluttered open, revealing their startling aquamarine.

"No hope," Zexion echoed, his heart falling. "How can you say that, Riku? After all I've been through, and I still came out the other end!" Tears sparkled in his eyes, threatening to fall. "Why do I bother?"

Zexion stood up and left the room, heading back to his own bed.

* * *

It hurt so much in this world. How could Zexion just brush him away like that? He'd thought they were friends, he'd thought that Zexion had understood-

A slapping sound brought him back to his senses. The pain hit him a moment later, and Riku raised his hand to his cheek, reddened from the force of Demyx's blow.

The blond stood, eyes blazing, panting slightly. Yet, when he spoke, his voice was calm. Cool and calm, just like Zexion.

"You _bastard_."

Riku furrowed his brow, confused.

"I won't punch you today, because you're 'sick'." He used quotation marks around the word, forming them with his hands. "But if you ever pull a stunt like that again, I swear to God-" he stopped and drew in a breath. "How dare you do that to Zexion? He was trying to help! He was helping you only for me, because I hated to see you unhappy. Then he was your friend, and you pushed him away like you pushed me and Axel away. I hope you don't push everyone who you've ever cared about away because of one tragedy. Who'll be there to help you when you next need it? No-one, that's who." His eyes had started to sparkle with tears again. "And no-one'll care. Because you never gave a fuck about anyone else, did you? You're just a stuck-up, selfish bastard." He slapped Riku again, harder this time.

His voice began to shake. "When I was there, and I actually cared, you ignored me, or you took me for granted. No more, Mr Selfish Prat. No more. If you want my friendship, you'll have to work for it."

Demyx turned on his heel and left the room, shutting the door carefully behind him. Riku was alone in the room.

He had no idea how long he stayed like that, staring at the ceiling, replaying Demyx's last, unbelievably painful speech through his head. If he'd thought there was no more room in his head for pain, he was sadly mistaken.

_never gave a fuck about anyone else_

A memory hit Riku full in the face, enticing him away with the promise of Sora, but he pushed it away.

_took me for granted_

The pain started in his abdomen and spread upwards. He was sure it was only a mental pain, but it continued to spread, filling his lungs, his heart, his throat with liquid fire, with the pain of Demyx's speech.

_push everyone you've ever cared about away_

_one tragedy_

_no-one to help you when you next need it_

_my friendship_

_work for it_

The pain spread downwards now, filling each leg down to the nail in bitterness and regret. Just when he though he couldn't stand it anymore-

It stopped.

The pain of Sora, losing Sora, stopped. The pain of losing Zexion and Demyx, one after another, surged to fill the gap, bringing back the pain, the very real pain that he could do something about.

He pushed the call button on the side of the bed, and when the nurse came in, asked if she could call Dr Strife. And if Demyx and Zexion could be located, and would they come too.

* * *

_He rushed through the first memories quickly, speaking them as fast as he could to get them out of the way. Three pairs of eyes looked at him, one cool and calculating, glad to finally be trusted, one burning with anger that he had not known had existed, and one pair of dark eyes, sitting on the sidelines, hurt by Riku's insistant pushing away. _

_The things he was about to say would horrify one, making his life different for the rest of his existance. Would shock one, realising what he had kept pent up for so long. And would make one trust him. Hopefully._

* * *

_Riku and Sora stepped back onto the beach, spotting the ice-cream truck at the same time, slowly making its way down the golden sand._

_Sora raced towards it, yelling at the top of his lungs about sea-salt ice-cream and how good it was._

_A car rushed up beside the brunette, catching him by surprise. He stopped yelling, and began to smile as Axel stepped out of the car._

_Axel wasn't smiling back._

_The redhead grabbed Sora around the waist and flung him into the backseat, before yelling at the driver, who gunned away at top speed. The beach was nearly empty, the few visible people being out of earshot._

_Riku didn't have a chance to stop the car. All he found was a broken crown pendant lying in the sand, but he didn't stop to pick it up. He grabbed his art package, hid it in a small clutch of spinifex, and raced off after the car._

_He didn't get there in time, but he did find Sora._

_Sora had been thrown out of the car a kilometre down a small country road, stabbed through the heart. His eyes were wide, in shock, and there was still the faint trace of a nervous laugh etched onto his face._

* * *

"I'm so, so sorry, Demyx," Riku muttered quietly, watching as the blond's face went from disbelieving, to shock, to horror. "I know you were best friends. I didn't remember it until I really though about it, after you left. I guess I was so shocked I completely forgot the whole incident, only remembering that Sora was..." he stopped, choked.

Dr Strife nodded slightly, taking notes in his little notebook. He asked Riku for Axel's full name, spelling it out carefully, and left the room, pulling out his phone. Demyx left a moment later, with a last horrified, disbelieving look as Riku.

Zexion was left alone in the room. "Ouch," he said finally. "That's... not pleasant."

"No duh," Riku rolled his eyes at the blue-haired boy before him. But he didn't feel the pain of losing Sora. "Do you forgive me?"

Zexion looked up at him, and nodded. The pain that had remained after losing Demyx was replaced by a exhausted relief, that his friends didn't hate him.

"Do you know why he did it?"

Riku shook his head. "No. The authorities questioned me for hours, trying to break through the memory block I'd placed on myself, trying to find out who'd done it. I just couldn't remember... I was so tired..."

Zexion sat beside Riku on the bed, giving him a hug. They remained that for a long, long time. Dr Strife looked in briefly, to give them the news that Axel had been arrested and was going to stand trial on charges of murder or accomplice to murder, and the police were trying to find the driver of the vehicle.

Riku was finally happy, the thought that Zexion was happy beginning to replace his sadness and rage.

"Zexion," he murmured quietly, in the middle of the night, "I think you were my trigger."

Zexion shushed him with a smile, and bent to give him another kiss.

Outside, the stars came out.


End file.
